More than any other holiday, Valentine’s Day puts romantic relationships front and center. It focuses on expressing your feelings and showing others your interest (cue the candy, flowers, and cards). Of course, relationship-building skills aren’t just valuable when wooing someone, and the ability to demonstrate genuine interest goes beyond romance. Developing relational intelligence and creating stronger connections are the foundation—or the heart if you will—of healthy workplace cultures, robust collaboration, and engaged teams.
What is relational intelligence?
In her bestselling books, influential TED Talks, and award-winning podcasts, the renowned psychotherapist and Fortune 500 organizational consultant Esther Perel advocates for the importance of relational intelligence (RQ): the capacity to interpret and react to interpersonal dynamics. The concept, she says, is more outward-looking than the better-known concept of emotional intelligence (EQ). Your RQ, which involves self-awareness, establishing boundaries, understanding power dynamics, and navigating conflict with empathy, is critical to personal and professional interactions. As Esther says in her class: “We have a lot to learn from our personal relationships that we can directly apply to the workplace.” In other words, Valentine’s Day isn’t just for lovers!
Who is Esther Perel?
Esther Perel’s celebrated TED Talks have more than 30 million views, and her bestselling books—Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017)—have been translated into nearly 30 languages. She’s also been profiled in leading publications, such as The New York Times, The Guardian, and The New Yorker, with acclaim for her approach to relationships as a key driver in a person’s quality of life. For Esther, relationship type is less important than the connection itself: “Between individuals, between couples, groups, nations—relationships are relationships.”
So how does RQ affect workplace culture and performance?
As with romance, attentiveness to relationships at work is paramount—and happiness matters. Research shows a consistent link between employee engagement, a critical factor in productivity and performance, with emotional well-being and satisfaction. Relationships where cohorts feel empowered, valued and acknowledged allow for increased performance outcomes. Here’s one quick example: A 2019 experiment by Oxford University concluded that employees who reported happiness on the job over a six-month period were 13 percent more productive than their less contented colleagues.
Focusing on cultivating and co-creating relationships, especially as traditional work arrangements continually evolve and remote work increases, is part of Deloitte’s 2023 Human Capital Trends. And culture and well-being typically matter even more than money: toxic corporate culture—including workers feeling disrespected and workplaces where leaders fail to promote diversity, equity, and inclusion—has been listed as a driver in the “Great Resignation” and was found in one study to be more than ten times more influential than compensation when it comes to losing employees. Developing relational intelligence can help you build stronger, more engaged teams with better outcomes all around. It may even help you hold onto valuable team members.
5 Techniques for Nurturing Better Work Relationships from Esther Perel
Here are a few tips for you and your workforce to put relational intelligence to work:
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Start with yourself. Improving your self-awareness (a clear understanding of your behaviors and the experiences that shaped them) will help you better relate to others in the workplace, especially when navigating conflict. Being aware of the expectations you bring to any interaction can help you better manage your emotions and reactions.
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Create healthy boundaries. Rigid boundaries can create too much space between individuals and lead to “silos” in the workplace. Weak boundaries can lead to burnout. Flexible boundaries, where individuals are comfortable communicating needs and “no” is still an acceptable answer, allow for growth. Boundaries in the workplace can include emotional, time, physical, and mental boundaries.
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Understand your historical relationship with power. Power without empathy can lead to destructive behavior patterns at work and home, and how you perceive power is deeply connected to your upbringing and understanding of the world. Know what kind of patterns you bring to the table and consider how they may affect everyone around you.
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Listen to understand instead of listening to respond. Most communication training teaches you tools for getting your point across. Still, the most important part of effectively communicating is listening deeply and asking questions to make sure you understand what others are trying to say first. Listening and being heard are critical to effective communication and central to relationship-building.
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Before addressing a conflict or concern, dig down to the root of the problem. Esther points to three essential unspoken needs that conflict can stem from:
a. power and priorities, where a fight is about who has more agency in a relationship and whose priorities matter most;
b. closeness and connection, where one party is concerned that they can no longer trust one another; and
c. respect and recognition, where someone feels they are not valued or their work is not appreciated.
All three core issues ultimately tie into a universal need to feel that we matter. At the end of the day, everyone needs to feel valued
Esther’s approach to using the fight/flee framework to manage conflict
Quarrels and misunderstandings happen. How you approach them can make or break the quality of a relationship and your ability to work together as a cohesive team. In any conflict, you need to know the fight-or-flee combination you’re dealing with. Are you someone who tends to avoid difficult conversations, or are you quick to launch into fight mode? What about others involved in a conflict? Are they fighters or fleers?
Adjust your approach, your reactions, and your timing accordingly. This can help you keep the situation calm and considerate. For example, a forced conversation between a flight/flee combination can lead to a fleer feeling overwhelmed and shutting down altogether, but postponing a discussion can intensify the fighter’s desperation to address an issue. Acknowledging your approach to conflict—and others’—can help you invite solutions, understanding, dialogue, and connection. That’s what relationships are all about.
Learn more about Esther’s class on Relational Intelligence here.
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